Testify!

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Comment by Ty on July 16, 2009 at 5:28pm

This is probably the most personal post that I've written in a while but it needs to be said. I was listening to "No Looking Back" by Damita Haddon and that song just got all in me. You must listen to the words to really understand where I am going in this post. But, I began thinking about how this is where I feel that I am in my life right now.

You see, before I moved to the NYC area I lived in Hilton Head, SC and Savannah, GA. There I lived half-in and half-out of the closet. You know what I mean; you have a few friends house that you could wild out at but everything else was on the low. I had a lover and we had the "fake room" so that when people stopped by, we could pretend that we slept in different rooms, etc. I did this mostly because I didn't want to disrupt my great-grandparents life with rumors of my lifestyle getting back to them but I also had my issues of insecurity.

While listening to the song I thought about how living in that way made life so stressful for both of us. So much so that it lead to a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. Until I realized that in order to save us and to save myself that we would have to leave and go where we could be free. This was despite the fact that I had planned to stay around until my great-grandmother passed on so that she wouldn't be there without me. After making arrangements to have here well taken care of, we decided to move to the NYC area.

I remember that feeling of regret while riding in that tore up U-Haul truck, not knowing how we were going to support ourselves, no job lined up for neither of us, how I was going to have all of the money that I needed for school and not knowing if it was too late to try to salvage my relationship. Regret, not for those things but for the damage that was done to both myself and my lover while trying to live a double life. I remember praying that it wasn't too late to save what we had. But I knew that I was now free, I know that God loves me and that was all that really mattered. I refused to live that way again.

Stay tuned for Part 2.

Comment by Ty on July 16, 2009 at 5:29pm

No Looking Back (Pt 2 Shedding Layers)
After moving here, I originally stepped out boldly living my new life. Upon entering grad school and work, I was very open about my sexuality and actually began living my life without fear of reprisal. I began to really notice the full extent of the damage of living closeted. Ways previously unknown.

With that being said, there was one avenue that I tended to hold on to. In retrospect, I believe that in trying to save the relationship, I tried to cling back to the familiar with the hopes of rekindling us. I joined a COGIC church here in Jersey City (JC) and began living a double life again. You see, we met in church and both were active in the church back in the south. On the plus side, this time, I was only somewhat closeted. I was free most of the week (which I spent in NYC), it was only when I came back to JC to go to church that I put on the front. He soon followed and joined. Unfortunately, it was too late for us.

This carried on for about a year to year and a half until one day while at convocation, a preacher begin preaching about gays. That didn't bother me as much as I had become used to it by this time but because it was a message of hate. He actually said that we should get back to the days when "we" would kick little limp-wrist, sissy boys in the butt. And then to hear the church all amen and hallelujah to it struck a chord. As I sat there and wondered if he realized that if he did that today, it would be a hate crime. Something changed. It wouldn't manifest itself until a while later while I was at the church picnic. I had a wonderful time and just decided to take a walk and while on that walk it was like God himself spoke to me and told me that this life wasn't for me. That He had something better. On the way home I told my roommate that I wasn't coming back and didn't.

I tried to establish a new relationship with someone but people here just don't have the same interest in settling down as in other places that I've lived. I had my heart broken more than a few times and pretty much gave up on intrinsically dating someone with hopes of settling down. A bit lost and confused, I just began living my life any ol' kind of way. I've done some things that I am nowhere near proud of. Nothing illegal but living beneath my privilege. I had unprotected sex, began sleeping with every Tom that had a Dick that was Hairy, men, women, in-between, two-somes, three-somes, and more-somes. It is so funny how we can so quickly slip into something (I mean that in more ways than one). It is only by the grace of God that I never tested positive. I tried to feel love in any way possible. Even if it meant for me to pretend in my head while being with the one-night stands, etc. I tried to feel the love that couples had while being involved in three-somes with them. Kind of living through them. At that point, anything was better than nothing.

Then one day....

Comment by Ty on July 16, 2009 at 5:30pm

No Looking Back (Pt 3 Revelations)
... I found myself at Pride. It was your usual myriads of half naked men and women parading down the street celebrating life. Then, I heard a familiar sound from the distance. It was church music. And not just church music, Pentecostal style music. Instantly, I was like, "What the....?!?" And sure enough, there was a float for a church with SGL people on it in the middle of Pride. I instantly knew that I had to get a flyer but at the same time knew that they had to be from out-of-town. It was to my surprise that I realized that they were in Harlem. I know, right?!? Harlem!!!

So I decided to give it a try. And, although it is a bit smaller than many of the churches that I've been affiliated with as an adult, I realized then, that my life was going to change. I have to admit that it did take a bit off guard to have a gay minister and to see SGL people sitting together and being a part of the service. I even found myself doing double takes when I would forget where I was. But I think the most impressive thing was that the message wasn't watered down. This wasn't a joke and people were serious. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about being deep in the way that traditional churches are. You know when people are so heaven-bound that they are no earthly good. No, these people are REAL but still have a love for God.

I wasn't long before I joined this church (Rehoboth Temple). I found myself learning to love myself again and to accept myself. Not just as a gay/bi male but as a child of God knowing that God loves me and has designed me. I found the hatred that I had for "church" and "religious people" beginning to disappear. I realized that the tactics used by some "christian" churches is a weapon of evil to make SGL people feel less than human, less than a child of God in order to create unhealthy lives, broken relationships, and no sense of well-being. In this way we will act as I did in the past and continue being the monsters that they try to make us out to be. I started to let go of so many things that I was holding onto from my past. But I think most of all, I realized that I need to apologize to so many people.

To my immediate family - I apologize for not allowing you to know who I truly am as a person and not having faith in your love for me.

To my ex-lover, boyfriends, interests - I apologize for not giving 100% of myself. For the torture that I put you through living a double life. For you having to deal with all of the pain, and insecurities. For allowing other people's limited acceptance manipulate our lives.

To my friends (who don't know me entirely -
I apologize for underestimating our friendship and love therefore giving you a pseudo-friendship. I realize by not being open and honest with you that I hindered our relationship from being deeper and more meaningful.

To my community (future generations) - I apologize for not being that pioneer to stand-up boldly, helping to bring down those old beliefs. Helping them to realize that sexuality is only a small part of us but is still a part of us. That love is love.


To my ex-girlfriend - I apologize for not being 100% open with you and my sexuality. For wasting your time and allowing you to love my guise.

To gay affirming churches - I apologize for giving my time, talent, tithes and efforts to churches that didn't accept or embrace me completely or would tolerate me as long as I was quiet. All of this time I could have been helping to raise the bar at a place of acceptance. I apologize to all of the people that I could have ministered to, allowing them to see that they do not have to put up with an abusive relationship (them and their church relationship). Sitting there being verbally abused Sunday after Sunday and being torn down on the inside.

I am not pretending to have it "all-together" as life is about on-going revelations and experiences but I know that in order to move-on, I must right the wron